No Way
by GeneImperfect
Summary: Can Hotohori never love me? asks Nuriko to the moon reflected in the lake. It gives her a surprising number of answers and leads her to draw some conclusions about herself and those she loves.


Poor Nuriko! Hotohori just doesn't love her, even though Miaka will never be his.

A/N: I wrote this from my own feelings, sadly. Getting all the unrequited love and queerness out of my system, I suppose. Review if you like it! Hell, just review and say "I read it". So hard to get freakin' reviews these days, I tell ya. But none of this is the point. The point is, enjoy!

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No Way

He kisses me gently and I press harder against his lips, his body, begging for more. -_Yes, yes, keep going… Please… Don't stop…-_ But he does, and I awake from yet another tantalizing, yet so very, very far away dream. Hotohori, Hotohori, Hotohori…

__

Handsome, tender, soft

Why do you look right through me thinking "no"

I can't deny my feelings growing strong

I try to keep believing, dreaming on

And every time I see you, I crave more

I wanna pull you closer, closer, closer, closer

But you leave me feeling frozen

I look out the window of my room, across the moon-kissed lake. Soft night breezes ripple its surface, and I am jealous even of the water. Those kisses and caresses it takes for granted are things I would revel in, cherish forever, if only he would give them to me. But he does not grant me such bliss, even for a moment. He's waited his whole life for _her_, and even though he knows he can never have her, he will not change his affections. I feel jealous, then ashamed for feeling jealous, then angry for feeling ashamed for feeling jealous. I deserve some happiness, right? Just because I'm a Warrior of Suzaku doesn't mean I'm not allowed to find love, does it? Nor does it deny that privilege to Hotohori. Tamahome did, and Miaka did. So why the hell can't we? Why can't he love me…

__

Trans and gay, trans and gay

I can be all you need

Won't you please stay with me?

Trans and gay, trans and gay

Apologies, might-have-beens

Trans and gay, trans and gay

Can't erase what I feel

Trans and gay

Maybe it's because of what I am that he can never love me. Why did I have to be born a man? It's not fair; no one should ever have to go through all the shit I went through, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I felt the things I felt and acted the way I did. I hated being a male, it just felt inexplicably **_wrong_**, and for the longest time I didn't know why. I couldn't even identify that it was my physical male-ness I hated about myself until I was 14 or 15 years old. Fifteen years is a long time to hate yourself. So what happens? I finally figure out what I am, who I am, only to be just as miserable wanting more that I cannot have.

__

Choking back emotion

I try to keep on hoping for a way

A reason for us both to come in close

I long for you to hold me like Miaka… does

And though my dream is slowly fading

I wanna be the object, object, object, object

Of your passion, but it's hopeless…

Sometimes I wonder if it's because I decided to embrace and act on my femininity that I'll never find love. I can be honest about myself and never be cared for, or I can be cared for and never be honest about myself. Some choice that is. Miaka seemed to like me as a man. Maybe someone could love me if I pretended for them. But then, it wouldn't even be me they loved, would it? It would be my projection, the character I play that they love. That would be all wrong too. And besides, I wouldn't be happy anyway… That's not what I want.

__

Trans and gay, trans and gay

I can be all you need

Won't you please stay with me?

Trans and gay, trans and gay

Apologies, might-have-beens

Trans and gay, trans and gay

Can't erase what I feel

Trans and gay

I don't want to be clung to and paraded around by some chick; I want to be loved as a woman. By a man. Named Hotohori. But that will never be…

As I look up at the stars, I feel a hand rest itself upon my shoulder. I look up at the face of the person to whom the hand belongs. "H-hotohori…"

He nods, before asking, "Have you seen Miaka? I can't find her; I think she's left us again. I'm worried about her…" Of course, it's about Miaka. Why do I even bother to hope anymore?

"No, I haven't seen her." I plaster a smile across my face. He looks so miserable I'm sure he won't notice how fake it is. -_Can't you see, I'm right here? I'm not going to run away…-_

…I can be all you need…

But then, I realize, neither is he. He won't stop loving Miaka just as I won't stop loving him, even though we both know it's hopeless… I stand up and walk over to him, patting him on the back to comfort him, not meaning anything more than friendship and empathy by it. But he jerked away. I think my heart was just ripped in two. Am I not even allowed to touch him? Can't I even comfort him as a friend? He knows I know what he's feeling, and still he rejects even my comfort. It hurts so much…

He stiffens, and I feel it. "I'll be going then. Goodnight." No! Why…?

__

…Won't you please stay with me?…

Is it painful for me to touch you? Do you think you'll get 'gay cooties' or something? Why is it that you act like you can't stand me?

Instinctively I grab at his robes. He looks up, confused, then annoyed. I don't know what's gotten into me. "Sorry, I'm sorry. Goodnight." I say awkwardly, and he leaves me alone again.

__

…Apologies, might-have-beens…

Again I stare up at the moon. The real moon is more beautiful than the reflection on the water it can sometimes pretend to be. Even though the reflection has an easier time, just going along with however the water flows, doing what its surroundings prompt it to do, in the end it's nothing but a façade, dull light shining off the surface. It can't do what the moon was put in the universe to do. It's just a reflection. But the real moon orbits the earth, causing tides needed by the animals and a calendar for the people. It's beautiful and just and right. Nothing can stop its orbit or hide its beauty as long as it knows its own worth.

I have the same choice to make. I can be the real me, just as I am, or I can be a reflection, showing people what they want me to be. No matter how much I wheedle on, weigh the pro's and con's, think about all the other options and other lives I could lead, I know I will always come to the same conclusion. In the end, I'll always decide to be the way I am and keep loving Hotohori. Even if I wanted and tried not to love him, I couldn't help it. He is the beautiful man of my dreams, and will forever remain that way… If only in my dreams…

__

…Can't erase what I feel…


End file.
